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5 Things I Wish I Understood Before I Got Married
– Kalaila Leslie, Expert Relationship Coach | LF3 Love Factor
You’ve probably read a self-help book and thought, “Wow, that sounds like such great advice”—only to discover later that applying those tips in real life isn’t as easy as it seemed on the page. Marriage is kind of like that.
You imagine it from the outside and think, “My life will be so much better once I get married. What could possibly go wrong?” Then reality hits—and you realize just how much work, humility, and heart it takes to keep a marriage not just alive, but thriving.
Marriage is both the most beautiful blessing and the hardest challenge. It stretches you. It shapes you. It invites you to keep growing, keep learning, and keep loving—even when it’s messy. Every season brings new dynamics, and with each transition, your relationship shifts. Growing pains are real, but they also bring real wisdom if you let them.
Here are five truths I thought I understood before marriage—but didn’t truly grasp until I was walking through them. They’ve transformed the way I love, listen, and show up for my husband. My hope is that they’ll do the same for you.
1. Absence Really Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder
Timothy and I did things a little differently. We were in a long-distance relationship until just before our wedding day. Between full-time school and mismatched work schedules, our in-person time was rare—FaceTime became our date night staple. Every few weeks we’d get to see each other, and when we did, we soaked up every moment.
And then we got married!
Being under the same roof 24/7 was a beautiful adjustment—but it was still an adjustment. I had to learn that independence inside of marriage wasn’t a threat to our intimacy; it was a space for it to grow. I had to remind myself that it’s okay to miss your spouse—even when they’re in the next room.
Whether you’re dating, engaged, or married, having a life outside of your relationship is healthy. Space invites discovery. It creates room for anticipation. It makes your time together more meaningful, and it keeps you connected to who you are—something that only deepens your connection with each other.
2. Conflict Isn’t the Enemy—It’s an Invitation
In the early days of marriage, it felt like everything became a disagreement. Who put the towel where? Why were the dishes done that way? We weren’t fighting about those things—we just weren’t listening.
It was “me versus you” instead of “us versus the problem.”
But here’s what I’ve learned: conflict is often a cry for connection. It’s one person saying, “Do you see me? Do I matter to you?” That doesn’t mean yelling or harsh words are acceptable—but it does mean there’s usually a longing beneath the frustration. When I hear, “You never help me,” I now try to listen for the deeper message: “I feel overwhelmed and alone.”
Now, when tension rises, we try to stay physically connected—maybe holding hands or just staying close—and say things like, “Help me understand what’s going on in your heart.” We ask clarifying questions, repeat back what we hear, and validate each other’s emotions before jumping to solutions.
Conflict handled well can build the deepest intimacy. It’s not about winning—it’s about understanding. It’s about fighting for each other, not against each other.
3. Love Is a Choice—Every. Single. Day.
I’ve always known love is more than a feeling. But I didn’t really understand what it meant to choose love until I had to do it in moments I didn’t feel like it. It’s hard to choose love when he’s upset, or the house is messy, or when his work stuff has claimed the dining room table for the third time this week. But when I don’t choose love—I feel it. I feel the distance. Marriage is not easy. You’re building a life from two very different stories, backgrounds, and preferences. It’s messy. It’s sacred. And it’s worth every bit of effort. Choosing love daily softens your heart. It aligns you with how God sees your spouse. It reminds you that intimacy isn’t found in perfection—but in presence, grace, and commitment. So choose love today. Choose kindness. Choose connection. Choose to forgive quickly and celebrate often. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).
4. WE Is Always Better Than ME
Marriage is a partnership. You didn’t say “I do” just for the legal benefits—you said it because you wanted a teammate, a partner, someone to do life with. In our early marriage, we made so many decisions separately and then tripped over each other trying to patch things up later. Misaligned expectations led to fights, even in front of friends. We weren’t communicating well, and we weren’t working as a team.
A “WE” mindset doesn’t mean you lose your identity—it means you choose unity. It means asking, “What would make this easier for you?” or “How can I show up better for us?” It means compromising. It means being okay with trading your favorite movie for theirs sometimes. It means turning toward each other instead of defaulting to your own lane.
WE is a posture of humility and togetherness. ME can survive a while—but WE builds something that lasts.
5. Prayer Is the Most Intimate Act
I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, and I’d prayed for my future husband long before I met him. I even had this recurring dream about my wedding—everything vivid, except the groom’s face. The first time I dreamed it with Timothy’s face, I knew God was speaking.
But once we got married, we got caught up in the busyness of doing life together… and we slowly drifted from inviting God into it. When we hit our first really hard season, it felt like everything was unraveling. Counseling helped. But more than that, prayer healed. Our counselor encouraged us to pray together—for each other. At first it felt awkward. But slowly, it became the most beautiful part of our day.
Prayer strips away pride. It opens the door to deeper vulnerability. It invites God to shape our hearts and renew our minds. When we pray together, I don’t just hear Timothy’s words—I hear his heart. And that kind of connection? It’s irreplaceable. If your faith journey feels uncertain or unsteady, don’t be afraid to start small. Invite God into your story together. You might be amazed by what He does.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It’s holy ground, but it’s also hard ground. There will be moments of doubt, days of frustration, and seasons where you wonder if you’re getting it right. But if you stay curious, stay humble, and stay connected, marriage will be one of the most beautiful things you’ll ever build.
There is joy in the journey, healing in the hard, and intimacy in the in-between—if you keep pursuing each other with honesty, grace, and grit.
Here’s to choosing love—again and again.
