Matthew Rowe, Ph.D., CPC, BCMHC.
Question from a LF3 Follower:
“How do you heal a marriage when attempts at communication are met with defensiveness, raised voices, and unresolved conflict—especially when your spouse won’t seek help and you’re emotionally exhausted but still deeply in love?”
I Love My Husband, But I Can’t Keep Living Like This!
A Christian reflection on conflict, safety, and restoring connection in marriage
If you’ve ever thought, “I love my spouse, but I don’t like who I’m becoming in this marriage,” you are not alone and you are not failing.
Many marriages don’t unravel because love disappears. They begin to fracture when heart connection erodes under defensiveness, unresolved conflict, and the quiet pressure to keep everything “fine.” Over time, peacekeeping replaces peacemaking, and one or both spouses end up emotionally and spiritually exhausted.
What you’re describing – constant defensiveness, yelling, no resolution, and being expected to move on like nothing happened – is not just a communication issue… It’s a heart connection issue. Connection cannot grow where emotional safety and humility are missing.
Scripture reminds us that marriage is meant to reflect unity, not competition.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” — Ephesians 5:21
Defensiveness resists submission. It protects ego instead of relationship. When every concern is received as criticism, the marriage becomes emotionally unsafe. Conversations turn into battles instead of bridges. Over time, something subtle but powerful happens: Your nervous system learns that vulnerability leads to pain. So you adapt.
You grow quieter. Or sharper. Or overly agreeable. Or emotionally numb. Not because you’re unloving, but because your heart is trying to survive. And here’s an important truth that often brings relief: You’re not being “too sensitive.” You’re responding to unresolved hurt.
When “Let’s Just Move On” Isn’t Biblical Healing
Many couples believe forgiveness means pretending nothing happened. But biblically, forgiveness does not mean denial. Jesus modeled forgiveness that acknowledged wounds, named truth, and invited repentance and restoration. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” – James 5:16
Healing requires honesty and restoration requires repair. When conflict is ignored instead of processed, resentment doesn’t disappear, it gets buried. And buried resentment hardens the heart.
That quiet thought “I’m starting to hate this”, is rarely about hatred toward a spouse. It’s usually about grief over a connection that feels lost. Love hasn’t died. Hope is just hurting.
You Were Never Called to Be a Robot
One of the most damaging dynamics in disconnected marriages is the unspoken rule: “Everything is fine as long as you stay pleasant.” But forced positivity is not fruit of the Spirit.
Authenticity is…“Speak the truth in love.” — Ephesians 4:15 Truth without love wounds and love without truth suffocates. God did not design marriage for emotional suppression. He designed it for mutual knowing, where both hearts are seen, heard, and valued.
You are a spouse—not a peacekeeping machine. If the only way to avoid conflict is to stay “chipper,” that is not peace. That is self-abandonment. And self-abandonment slowly disconnects the heart.
Practical Steps Toward Heart Connection
Even if your spouse is resistant to counseling or growth, there are still Christ-centered, healthy steps you can take to protect your heart and invite connection.
1. Draw a loving boundary around yelling
Scripture is clear:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath.” – Proverbs 15:1
Yelling shuts down connection. It’s okay to say:
“I want to understand you, but I can’t connect when voices are raised. Let’s pause and come back when we’re calmer.”
This is not disrespect. This is stewardship of the relationship.
2. Name your heart, not just the issue
Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, speak the deeper desire:
“I’m not trying to criticize you. I’m trying to feel close to you.”
Connection grows when hearts are revealed, not when cases are argued.
3. Separate humility from self-blame
Owning your growth is biblical. Carrying the entire marriage is not.
“Each one should test their own actions.” – Galatians 6:4–5
You can work on your tone, timing, and responses… but one spouse cannot redeem a marriage alone. God calls both hearts into humility, repentance, and growth.
4. Pursue support without guilt
If your spouse won’t seek help, that does not mean you shouldn’t.
Wise counsel is biblical:
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” — Proverbs 20:18
Getting support helps you lead with clarity instead of desperation AND protects your heart from hardening.
Loving Someone While Feeling This Much Pain
Here is a truth many Christians are afraid to say out loud… You can love your spouse and still feel deeply hurt, angry, or exhausted. Jesus Himself wept over broken relationships. Love does not cancel pain – it acknowledges it. Your desire to talk, process, and repair is not rebellion. It’s not disrespect. It’s not lack of submission. It is a desire for covenant-level connection—the kind God designed marriage to reflect.
My Final Encouragement
If you see yourself in these words, please hear this clearly:
You are not broken. You are not unspiritual. You are not asking for too much. You are tired.
And tired hearts don’t need to try harder – they need truth, safety, humility, and grace. Healing doesn’t start with being more agreeable. It starts with being more honest… first with yourself, then with God, and when possible, with your spouse. Heart connection is still VERY possible. Regardless of where your partner is right now, your heart matters deeply to God.“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” – Psalm 34:18
Keep loving and keep pursuing connection, because you are in control of only you and you’ve got this –
If you have questions that you would like to ask, please feel free to email us at connect@lovefactor.com. We would love to hear from you and help in anyway we can.
