The Silent Treatment: How Lack of Communication and Vulnerability Can Wreck a Marriage—and What to Do About It
– Matthew Rowe, Ph.D., CPC, BCMHC.
Let’s face it. Marriage can be messy, hilarious, hard, beautiful, and downright confusing— sometimes all in the same day. One minute, you’re laughing over a shared inside joke, and the next, you’re communicating exclusively through glares and passive-aggressive dishwashing techniques.
But here’s the truth bomb that nobody really wants to hear:
If we stop communicating and being vulnerable with our spouse, the relationship suffers—and so do the kids.
Yep. Those cute little humans watching “Bluey” on repeat? They pick up on the tension in ways we don’t realize. Kids are like emotional sponges, and when mom and dad aren’t talking—or worse, aren’t honest—it affects how secure, loved, and stable they feel.
So let’s dive in—why do we clam up in marriage, how does it impact the family, and what can we do about it?
1. The Great Wall of Silence (a.k.a. Why We Stop Talking and Being Real)
First off, vulnerability is scary. It’s like standing in front of your spouse wearing only your socks and saying, “Here’s my soul. Please don’t crush it.”
Add to that:
- Stress (jobs, bills, trying to find matching socks for Sunday service).
- Unresolved conflicts (“Did you really forget our anniversary or was that a cry for help?”).
- Fear of rejection or judgment.
- Past hurt—because yes, sometimes we’ve opened up before and felt burned.
So what do we do instead? We shut down. We live like two friendly roommates raising tiny humans, but the deep, soul-nourishing connection? Gone.
2. How This Affects the Kids (Spoiler Alert: It’s Not Good)
When mom and dad don’t communicate or share feelings, kids often:
- Feel insecure: “Is everything okay with mom and dad? Did I do something wrong?”
- Struggle with their own emotions: If mom and dad can’t share feelings, kids won’t know how to, either.
- Act out: Behavior problems can be a symptom of family tension.
- Grow up with a warped view of marriage: If all they see is silence, they’ll think that’s normal.
Even when you think you’re hiding it well, kids know when something’s off.
3. Why Vulnerability and Communication Matter (a.k.a. The Secret Sauce to a Happy Marriage)
God designed marriage to be a picture of His love for us—deep, intimate, vulnerable, forgiving. Remember Adam and Eve? “Naked and unashamed.” (Genesis 2:25). That’s not just about physical nakedness. It’s about being emotionally bare and still loved.
When you and your spouse communicate honestly and share fears, hopes, and hurts, you:
- Build trust and intimacy.
- Model healthy emotional life for your kids.
- Create a safe, loving home where everyone feels secure.
4. Practical, (Sometimes Funny) Steps to Fix the Communication and Vulnerability Gap
A. Call It Out (Gently)
First, be brave. Say, “Hey, I think we’ve been avoiding the deeper stuff. I don’t want us to drift.” No blaming. Just naming the elephant in the room.
Bonus: You can name the elephant. “Let’s talk about Herbert the Elephant sitting between us.” Humor softens hard conversations!
B. Schedule Regular Check-ins
Sounds boring? Maybe. But powerful.
Once a week, after kids are in bed (or duct-taped to “Frozen 2″—kidding. Mostly.), ask:
- What’s been on your mind this week?
- How can I be a better spouse to you right now?
- What’s something you’re excited or nervous about?
Pro tip: Bring snacks. Vulnerability is easier over cookies.
C. Learn to Fight Fair
Disagreements will happen. But no more cold shoulders or sarcastic jabs. Instead:
- Use “I” statements: “I feel hurt when…”
- Avoid “You always/never…” (because that’s usually false).
- Take breaks if things get heated—then return to the conversation.
D. Pray Together (Even if It’s Awkward)
I know, I know. But inviting God into your mess changes everything. Start small:
“God, help us love each other better.”
When kids see mom and dad praying together, they learn that real love needs God’s help—and that’s a good thing.
E. Laugh. A Lot.
Find ways to laugh together again. Watch funny shows, share memes, reminisce about the time you both got lost on date night.
Laughter heals and bonds. It’s also a sneaky way to lower walls and reconnect.
5. Final Thought: Grace, Grace, Grace
Here’s the deal: You will mess this up. You’ll try to talk, and someone will get defensive. You’ll attempt vulnerability, and it might feel awkward.
But don’t stop trying.
Marriage isn’t about perfect communication. It’s about two imperfect people choosing to love, try again, and lean on God.
And when you do? Your kids will see it. They’ll grow up knowing that love is real, love is work, and love is worth it.
So, go ahead—have the awkward conversation. Be brave. And if all else fails, at least laugh about it.
Because a family that learns to communicate can be real and cultivate authentic love.
That’s a family that wins!
P.S. If you’re feeling stuck and don’t know how to begin, shoot this blog link to your spouse with a “Let’s try this?” message. It’s a vulnerable start—and that’s enough.
