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“Stop, Drop, and Listen”
How to Hear Your Spouse Without Losing Your Mind (or Your Cool) …and How Jesus Can Help You Not Snap Mid-Sentence
– Dr. Matthew Rowe, Ph.D., CPC, BCMHC.
Let’s be honest: Listening sounds easy… until your spouse says something that makes you want to throw a pillow—or a frying pan—in Christian love, of course. We all think we’re good listeners. After all, you nodded. You made eye contact. You heard them, right? But listening isn’t just hearing. It’s understanding without defending. And that, my friend, is a whole different level of maturity, humility, and maybe even a little bit of holy restraint that only the Holy Spirit can pull off some days. I’m going to show you how to choose real heart connection and not disconnection –
The Defensiveness Dilemma
You’ve been there, we’ve all been there.
Your spouse says something like:
“I just feel like you don’t really hear me anymore.”
And boom—you’re off.
Cue the inner courtroom drama:
“Excuse me?! I literally just repeated what you said!”
“I work all day and this is what I get?”
“So I’m the problem now?!”
Welcome to the defensive spiral—where pride rises, hearts close, and love starts packing its emotional bags.
But here’s the truth: When you’re defending yourself, you’re not listening. You’re just reloading.
And let’s be real—Jesus didn’t call us to reload. He called us to lay down our lives.
So… How Do You Actually Listen Without Getting Defensive?
Glad you asked. And don’t worry—you’re not alone in this. Even Peter tried to defend Jesus with a sword when all Jesus asked for was a surrendered heart.
Here’s your grace-filled survival guide:
1. Stop Trying to Win
This isn’t a courtroom—it’s a covenant.
Your goal isn’t to win an argument. It’s to win your spouse’s heart.
Before your brain goes full debate mode, ask yourself:
“Do I want to be right, or do I want to be righteous in how I love them?”
Only one of those reflects Christ.
2. Drop Your Shield
Your spouse isn’t your enemy. The enemy is your enemy.
(Ephesians 6 says we wrestle not against flesh and blood.)
What may sound like criticism is often just a cry for connection.
So instead of going Iron Man, try going Jesus:
“Help me understand your heart in that.”
That’s how walls come down—and how love walks in.
3. Listen to Learn, Not to Reply
James 1:19 gives us the blueprint:
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
Translation: Zip the lips, open the ears, and let the Spirit do the heavy lifting.
Instead of crafting your comeback mid-sentence, try this:
Focus on how they feel, not just what they said.
Repeat it back:
“So what I hear is that when I do ____, it makes you feel ____.”
You don’t have to agree to validate their experience. You just have to care enough to understand it.
4. Recognize the Triggers
Defensiveness often exposes something deeper—maybe a childhood wound, a lie you’ve believed, or just plain old pride.
But Jesus never asked us to defend our ego. He asked us to deny ourselves and follow Him (Luke 9:23).
So instead of lashing out, ask:
“Why is this affecting me so deeply—and what does God want to heal in me?”
That’s how we grow. That’s how He restores.
5. Breathe First. Pray Fast.
Before you respond, take a breath. Say a quick prayer.
“Holy Spirit, help me hear what they’re really saying.”
“Give me eyes to see my spouse the way You do.”
Sometimes the holiest thing you can do in a fight is pause and invite God into the moment.
Bonus Pro Tip: Create a “Pause Phrase”
Come up with a phrase that signals:
“Hey, I love you, but I’m feeling defensive and need a second with Jesus.”
Something like:
• “Time-out with the Holy Spirit.”
• “I need a grace minute.”
• “Let me reboot before I sin.”
It gives you space to reset without shutting down the conversation.
At the End of the Day…
Listening is one of the most Christlike things you can do. Jesus listened to tax collectors, outcasts, Pharisees, and fishermen. He listened with compassion, not correction. And He still listens to you—even when you ramble, complain, or cry. So when your spouse opens up—even if it’s messy, even if it stings—see it for what it is: A sacred invitation to love like Jesus.
Real connection happens when we stop fighting to be right and start fighting to be one.
And if you mess it up? (Because we all do.) Confess. Laugh. Pray. Try again. That’s how love grows. That’s how grace works. That’s how relationship “resurrection” happens—one conversation at a time.
You’ve got this. And more importantly—God’s got you.
Now go love like He does.
